As an artist, I often suffer from...well, what the heck should I call it? Artist's Block? Anyway, sometimes I am so inspired, but then, the motivation seems to fade away. I seem to be growing impatient too! For example, I will be drawing a new character on Adobe Photoshop, and I'd be really psyched too...but then, about 20 minutes later, I'm no longer in the mood...WHAT HAPPENED? Honestly, I should pin some of the blame on my depression, but that doesn't seem like a good enough explanation...My laziness should get some credit too...hehe..Ok, this is not a laughing matter! This sort of thing plagues me really, and I want to get to the bottom of it.
In high school, my art teacher tolerated me being the last one to finish (and sometimes, not finish at all), probably due to the fact that, despite their late entrance, my work usually showed very high aesthetics. Still, he often told me I had to work on my time management skills and, as a result, I also got a lot of "incomplete" grades...WHO THE HELL GETS AN INCOMPLETE IN ART?! In college, you'd have thought I would have learned my lesson, but nooooooo, I wound up breaking night most of the time to complete assignments on time for their deadlines. I should have been dubbed the Queen of Procrastination, but I hid this trait very well from my teachers and peers. In the public, I played the goody-two-shoes, turning in works that constantly scored A's to the delight of my teachers and myself, and to the detriment of my sleeping habits. My only satisfaction was to see my teachers praise my work in front of the class while criticizing the work of others, while I modestly (at least for appearances sake) bowed my head in embarrassment. Maybe I enjoy working under pressure? I sure as hell don't like loosing sleep, but then again, I am an insomniac, so why should I care?
Anyway, since I am no longer in college (dropped out due to financial problems....what a waste of a nearly perfect 3.7 average...all those all-night-ers in vain) and I am unemployed (Aren't I a model citizen!), without the pressure of a deadline, the productivity of my art has steadily declined...maybe I should create my own deadlines? Any suggestions? Or maybe, this is what it means to be an artist: to work at your own pace...Perhaps I am getting this confused with what it means to be a freelancer with no strings attached? Anyway, I digress. I should probably push myself! I feel a motivational pep talk coming on! oh....wait...it died...And now, a moment of silence......and a poem to honor it's memory:
"Never"
I never finished what I started
Treading lightly, heavy hearted
Lightly screaming inside my head
And darkly dreaming I was dead
I never got the things I sought
And…damn, I lost my train of thought
I know that I should make a fuss
But never mind, I’ll catch a bus
I never cease to disappoint
It seems that this poem has no point
These words, they don’t make any sense
I never thought I was this dense
Fancy college should bare the blame
I never finished…what a shame
I never finished what I started
Treading lightly, heavy hearted
By: Marilyn Hernandez
Sorry, I got a little dramatic for a minute there...anyway, when my masterpiece is no longer in the works, I'll be sure to post a preview, but in the meantime, I will stare at my monitor, with Photoshop open and waiting patiently, until I overcome this block or I fall asleep...whichever happens first. It's 8:AM in the morning and I haven't slept yet, so my bets are on the latter.
(For more of my poems click this link or visit poetrysoup.com and search for me under poets)
Thanks for reading!
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